One and a half year has gone! And it has never hit me until now that I'll get scars!! When u fall and hurt yourself u get a scar! But when u see the love if your life die you don't? Or? Well the last two weeks I experienced that u do!! But I never thought of it before. I never thought that it would make me more scared or that I would react different in some situations. People die everyday all the time! This weekend two people died in cross country! But until it hits u, u have no idea how it's gonna fels like. Every night when I go to bed the last thing I see is when Jon collapses and dies he's last breath and when the life in he's eyes disappear! That's the picture I have in my eyes just before I go to sleep every night. And the first thing I think of in the morning is that the image from last night is the truth and the reality! Most people go to bed and think of there day and what they r gonna do tomorrow. I don't!! I know this is life and people always tells me to move on and forgett. But what no one thinks of is that what I've seen leaves scars. It leaves marks I'll never forgett, I'll never get over. Everyday I try my best, try to do the best out of everything. Out of what I have. And the life I still got! U can never take scars away from your soul or your eyes! But I hope they will hurt less and less over the years. Today I travel a lot all over Europe and that helps me to move on. I met new people and making new friends and experiences. And I'm a totally different person when I'm gone then when I'm home. When I'm home, I'm un motivated to do things. I'm constantly sick. Lack of energy. And permantly tiered! When I'm abroad I'm much happier I think life is fun and I do love the sun. The sun makes me happy and gives me more energy and happiness to life. My point is that u can't just forgett u can't just move on like nothing ever happened. Sometimes u need to change things in your life to be able to move on and continue to be happy and found happiness in your life again. I do when I'm not home. And that's why I've taken the dissisiun to move. Life is to short. U might die tomorrow. So do what ever makes u happy no matter what people think. I need this for my recovery and I hope people understands that befor they tells me what to do or not to do. My scars will always be there they will never heal! U might think I'm silly when I panic for nothing. But I've seen things that not many other people have. And I'm not a trained soldier. I'm/was a simple housewife that experienced my husbands dead right in front off my eyes!