Oh my it's been a horrible day for me today. Not as bad as three years ago but still pretty bad. It started last night I was gonna go on a show in Austria next week. And I found out last night that it was canceled and no one told me anything. Later in the morning I go to the stable and I notice that one of my horses are really really bad... So bad she can't be ridden for another year probably. Spent all afternoon at the vets and later I have 4 more horses to ride. Finished really late so I couldn't go to the gym. I come home and my through starts hurting a lot. And now it hurts so much I can't speak or swallow. And on top of this its Jons birthday ? I'm laying in bed right now and crying a little for him. I miss him so much I don't know how to move on... I don't know...
Happy birthday love!!! I love you

I want my old life back! Right now I'm so lost... I don't know what to do. It's really horrible but I feel like I've nothing to live for... ? I know I've good horses and a boyfriend but it still something missing. My heart is hurting like hell. And everything I can think of is that I want my old life back, with my shity house with the rats in the draws eating out cloths. With all the work. But most important with my fiancé. And I want to marry him. Build a life and maybe a career but it's not important I only want him back!
Now I have everything I didn't have before. But I don't have the love and for me that means I have nothing to live for. I keep fighting. everyday is a battle, but I'm still standing I try to fill my days with horses and things. But in the end of the day I feel so sad and so lonely. And ofc I even miss him during the days.
I have recorded on my phone a conversation of us and sometimes I'd like to listen to that. And I miss him so badly. It's so horrible I didn't know it was still gonna feel like this. I just wanna be happy again real happy. And feel love real love. I don't wanna go my entire life without that feeling again.
But I'm getting older... And for every year it feels more and more hopeless. God I just want to go back. I can't move on... Forever without u ?