I hate life. I hate to live. Nothing feels good right now and life I so unfair. I have everything I ever dreamed of?!? Or? Is it worth the cost? No it's not!!! Never ever wish for anything. Cuz u just might get it!!!! But no one tells u the price. I have come a loooong way sense last year. But every time I return home I take so many steps back again. And this trip home was the worst one I have ever done. I constantly cried the whole way home. And when I got here I counting the days until I leave again. I don't want to feel this way but I do. It's been over a year but I still feel the same. Every night I go to bed and cry myself to sleep. I need a new life a new start and I'm prepared to do anything for it to happened. Everyone who reads this is gonna think I have lost my mind but I have actually find my mind and I think I need to start thinking of myself for a change and not what makes everyone els happy.
With love everyone.
Xoxo H

We r later tonight starting our trip back home. First stop is in Lyon tomorrow noon.
I'm so sad to leave. I'm gonna miss my friendes down here so much.
Well the last few days has been fab and so good. I won 3 125 classes this weekend on Finlandia and Refrang. And Caretto was 4th in the 140 on Friday and 5 in the 140 GP on Sunday. Lovely horses who just jumps better and better. But we are all very tiered right now. And I'm not looking forward to a 4 days trip back home.
The weather is perfect today. So hot and nice. Witsh makes it harder to leave when I hear it's snowing in Sweden !!!! Wtf????!!!! I can't wait to come back. I love it down here. When I'm here I'm happy!!!
Se u all on Friday. Xoxo H

It's soon all over now! And it makes me so sad... I have a big lump in my beli I don't want to go back... I know everything good comes to an end but it breaks my heart. The horses are really tiered tho. So ofc I need to go home. But I just wish I had another place to call home... I love my yard and my family and with out that I wouldn't make it. But it's so far away... I've had a great time here and met some amazing people, and I'm so scared of loosing them. Cuz that's just what my life seams to be about loosing the people I really like and love. I'm also gonna admit that I've found love down here.. But I'm afraid it will end now when this is over. I don't know if I'm in love but I do really like this guy. He is the first person I've really felt anything fore after Jon. He is far from Jon, but I've realized that everything Jon had/were , I'm now. If that makes any sens I don't know? But to spend all thouse years with him changed me into a much better person and I'm so sad I wasn't that person when I was with him. He deserved that! But I'm changed now. And with that I think I can handle a different typ of guy.
I don't know what gonna happened but I do have really strong feelings for him. But I also know he doesn't feel the same way as I. Witsh breaks my heart a bit. And I try to keep my feelings for my self and not to fall in love. Cuz I don't want to lose my heart again. But one part of me just want to try it out and to fall in love again. I don't know what to do. Everything is so painful. My love to Jon will always be the same. Even that it seams like a life time ago sens I saw him...
The problem is that I think it's gonna be hard for me to take the next step as long as I live back home. I need something new. A new chapter in my life. And I do know that my future is not in Sweden. But for now I haven't got much options and I just have to deal with it. But something must happen soon otherwise I'm gonna lose it.. I'm afraid...
Only 4 more days to go then I've 4 nights of driving. The trip is planed we leave on Monday midday and drive for 16h to Lyon where we do our first stop on Tuesday morning. Then we have a 12h drive up to Essen for the next stop and then 9h maybe up to Malmo and then the last 12 up to soderhamn. It's a long fucking way to go...
Well E Lucky has been the big star through this tour she has developed so much and been taking tons of prices. I have big hopes for her for this season.
Refrang is back on track but is still for sale.
Finlandia was more difficult than I expected her to be on bigger fenses but I think I've founded a system how to work her out. Caretto is exactly the same as this time last year 140 feels sometimes hard and sometimes easy. Just as she felt last year at 130 level. So a few months and then she should be good on this level to.
Nilla has been un lucky on this trip. She got sick when she got down here and it took her a few weeks to recover. Unfortunately she lost so much weight and muscles it will take her a long time to be fully back to normal again. But she has done a few good rounds in 130. Last week she was clear on fences but got scared of something at the side and took a few step backwards so that gived her 4 faults.
The party's her are amazing. Spanish people is crazy but I love it. At Sunday night we didn't go to sleep until 7 am. And at some another times we got back from the club at 5am.
But I feel a little bit like you only live once.
Now I'm sitting outside in the grass and enjoying the sun. Cuz soon I'm gonna be far far away from it. I DONT WANT TO!!!
Xoxo H