What ever I do it goes wrong right now! I constantly get heart broken from every guy I see. No one seams to care enough about me. People tell me "do what feels right and best at the moment" and so I do. Living day by day. But that has just left me with a bigger and bigger whole in my heart. Cuz I get attached ! I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I do. I was thinking the other day about guys and that I can only remember one guy who has said "you are so beautiful" why is that? Why can't guys say what they think! Or maybe I'm not beautiful?? But one thing they can all say.. "I don't want anything serious!" Why??? I don't get it??? I need a shoulder to rest on right now. I'm bored of this. The best night I've had for nearly two years now was the other day/week, when I was just relaxing with a guy. No sex. Just kisses and cuddles and movie! That was the best night! And I felt good and not just used. I'm so amazed how the world works, and how little people love each other. Or maybe what the do to the people the love! It makes me scared! Someone told me a few weeks ago.. "U can't trust anyone in this world" and this world means our horse world/business! It's unik in many ways.. People tells me "u living the dream" and yes I do, but every dream has it's price. And u don't know how much it's gonna cost u until u are there! I don't wanna change the life I have. Cuz it is a dream come true. But if someone had told me befor what this meant and what I had to sacrifice I wouldn't have done it. I had this chance for many years ago to. But I didn't take it, I chose Jon! And I would still do every day! Cuz without the support this gets pretty hard and very lonely... U will see pictures from the beach in Spain from prices on big shows but remember, in the end of the day, I'm all alone!

A cuddle can be your home when u are sad.. Yes , but what about those who hasn't got one to cuddle. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. And even more less to anyone. I really want to belong to someone. Someone I can call and say " hi I feel bad today but I'm so happy I've got u. I love u. " without that I have to hear that I'm needy and demanding. People say. Hi call me if u want to speak. But we all know that that's not true. No one wants to listen to someone who is heartbroken. I do my best .. But it's so hard on my own. I just need someone too love! Xxx H

I'm warning you to continue reading if u don't want to know!
I'm going crazy over guys right now! I'm finding someone everywhere! But we start from the top of this year!! When I was in Spain this year I found a really nice guy who I started seing (sleeping with). He was the first guy that I've met that I could see myself with for a relationship. We spended 5 weeks together but all the time he said I don't want a relationship! Ok... Why not? I went back home we were still texting but nothing more. I went on a show to Austria and the last night I found another guy! This guy was amazing and I think I started to fall in love with him. It seams like he's interested but then one day he just stops texting of phoning me and I can't get hold of him. Now I've found a new guy again who seams perfect. He has been through the same thing as I have or nearly. And he's the first one that actually understands me. I only got a few h with this guy but we really connected. But once again he made very clear he doesn't want a relationship! I have during this 18 months seen 8 guys who I would bee interested in as a boyfriend. But non if these guys wants a relationship...? Why?!? What's wrong with guys? I've tried horse guys, normal guys, older guys and younger guys. Nothing!!! I go crazy soon. I don't trust anyone anymore. I want to love someone but I can't ! What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone wants me? This is what I'm thinking of everyday now.. I know u can't have it all. But I just want to love someone.
Sorry everyone who is reading this I just need to wright it out. Cuz I feel terrible some days. And I feel like I'm worth nothing at all...
Xoxo / H

I don't dream about Jon. It's very rare. I don't think I've done it for the whole year. But last night I did! And I'm scared of dreaming of him cuz it makes everything so hard when I wake up. I know he's dead but it still much harder if I dream he's alive. Anyway, my dream was really short. I was sitting in my lounge speaking to my sister who also was there. And I can't see the front door from the couch. And I hear it's someone by the door. And someone walks in and I freezes cuz it sounds exactly like Jon. The dog went mental stared running over there and crying. And then he say "Hi Darling I'm home" like he always did. I just froze totally had a heart beat on 300. Then he walks into the room and I see it's him. I tried to stand up but instead I fainted!! Cuz I got so shocked to see him. Then I waked up... It felt so real. It's un real. I want him back so badly. I thought this was gonna be easy. I was just gonna keep on living like normal. But it's not. I can't get over it I can't move on. The horses and the show helps so much. With out that I don't think I would be alive. I'm so happy I got them. But I'm so sad for what I've lost... I do have a night mare day and night! Xoxo H