Today I was talking about u. It had me remembering things about u. Things how u always came with a smile everyday how u laught and was so so silly all the time. How u made me so happy and when I was sad u always knew what to say to make me happy. U made me the happiest girl in the whole wild world. I remember who u used to kiss me every night. Always made sure I knew just how much u loved me. I was So happy. We hade the life we always dreamed of. And now it's gone. It's your birthday soon... every year I try to think of something to buy u. What u would have wanted what we would have done. But your smile... your eyes... you had the most beautiful perfect eyes in the world. God I love u so much. I love u so it hurts. How is it possible to love someone so much. I forgot just how much I needed a person like u in my life. I miss it so much. To have someone like u. Life was easier with u in it. U always knew what to do. Now im

just wwalking around trying to figure out a way to make it through the day. I'm so sorry I couldn't save u. I would do anything to have u back with

me. My dad asked me to move out from our house.. it was to expensive.. my sister is gonna get it cuz she has a new u. They are gonna have the life we always dreamed of... they are gonna get married have kids and live happily ever after. And I don't know how to survive. How to wake up everyday and put a smile on my face and pretend nothing ever happened. This is the hardest part. To act like everything is perfect. Cuz if u look on fb or Instagram my life is perfect... I have everything I could ever want... yea... but still I'm sitting here in the middle of the night for the 4th time this week crying over u. No one understands the pain I'm having. And how much I need you to kiss me hold me and tell

me everything is gonna be alright. I can't be strong anymore. Yeasterday I was watching a movie about a strong woman and I related so much to her. But right now I can't be strong anymore. I just need to see your face again. I need a person like u in my life to survive. Cuz without u I don't know how to survive. I love u my angel promise me u never leave me. I need you! Yours for ever and ever H xxx

Today I was talking about u. It had me remembering things about u. Things how u always came with a smile everyday how u laught and was so so silly all the time. How u made me so happy and when I was sad u always knew what to say to make me happy. U made me the happiest girl in the whole wild world. I remember who u used to kiss me every night. Always made sure I knew just how much u loved me. I was So happy. We hade the life we always dreamed of. And now it's gone. It's your birthday soon... every year I try to think of something to buy u. What u would have wanted what we would have done. But your smile... your eyes... you had the most beautiful perfect eyes in the world. God I love u so much. I love u so it hurts. How is it possible to love someone so much. I forgot just how much I needed a person like u in my life. I miss it so much. To have someone like u. Life was easier with u in it. U always knew what to do. Now im

just wwalking around trying to figure out a way to make it through the day. I'm so sorry I couldn't save u. I would do anything to have u back with

me. My dad asked me to move out from our house.. it was to expensive.. my sister is gonna get it cuz she has a new u. They are gonna have the life we always dreamed of... they are gonna get married have kids and live happily ever after. And I don't know how to survive. How to wake up everyday and put a smile on my face and pretend nothing ever happened. This is the hardest part. To act like everything is perfect. Cuz if u look on fb or Instagram my life is perfect... I have everything I could ever want... yea... but still I'm sitting here in the middle of the night for the 4th time this week crying over u. No one understands the pain I'm having. And how much I need you to kiss me hold me and tell

me everything is gonna be alright. I can't be strong anymore. Yeasterday I was watching a movie about a strong woman and I related so much to her. But right now I can't be strong anymore. I just need to see your face again. I need a person like u in my life to survive. Cuz without u I don't know how to survive. I love u my angel promise me u never leave me. I need you! Yours for ever and ever H xxx

I had a dream last night! It was so real! We were at home like in the old good times. My Jon and puppies. I woke up in the morning and it was a snowstorm. Snowing like hell. But I wanted to go out for a walk so I did. I walked on the big road all the way to the exit to the motorway. I was looking for something but I can't remember what. When I got there something scared me and I rushed away quickly and accidentally dropped my phone. I walked and walked but the snow was so havy and there was no road to walk on. I was tiered and then there's a big big lorry coming and I was thinking I have to hide. So I hide behind a building so he could pass without running me over. I wanted to call Jon so he could come and help me. I was tiered cold and wet. And all of a sudden he turns up on he's snowmobile with puppies as well coming to pick me up and bring me home. I kissed him and told him that I thought I lost him and that I was never gonna see him again. He said that I was silly as always and that he's not going anywhere. I cuddled him and kissed him and everything felt complete again. And I instantly got happy for a second.
I miss it so much. Him with the snow our dog and everything that comes with it. Life is so unfear. I miss him so much no one can understand!!

Why did he die before we started living??? Everyday I get reminded of him of the things we used to have. The things we should of had. I still dream of him and hoping that one day I'll wake up and everything was just a dream. Sometimes I think like that what if it's me who is dead? And I'm just dreaming my life right now? I know it's silly but sometimes it feels a little better to think like that. I miss him so much and I can't stop thinking is this my life now??? Am I ever gonna experience love again? True love? I don't think so... But I hope I'm wrong cuz without love life is not worth living. I see pictures of old couple dying together and thinking that should have been us. Living a long life together and then slowly dying together... Now I'm here alone with my thoughts and no one to share them with... My current bf is nice but he's not him he can't be and he never will be. I can't share things with him he wouldn't understand and he would get hurt and I don't want to hurt him.
Xoxo ?

Yesterday we were on my cousins hen night. It was a really emotional one for everyone but in different ways. For me it was a bit horrible. I was thinking how my hen night would have been. How I would have feel, the happiness and the love I would have had! I was thinking that I'll never have my night my special day, who will I ever find that I can love as much again? That I can feel the same again? I really want to be married but I can't imagine marry somebody else, I thought I could but the longer the time goes the more I realize there's only one true love. And I'm still so envious on this people that has there love with them. I'll never be truly happy again...

Oh my it's been a horrible day for me today. Not as bad as three years ago but still pretty bad. It started last night I was gonna go on a show in Austria next week. And I found out last night that it was canceled and no one told me anything. Later in the morning I go to the stable and I notice that one of my horses are really really bad... So bad she can't be ridden for another year probably. Spent all afternoon at the vets and later I have 4 more horses to ride. Finished really late so I couldn't go to the gym. I come home and my through starts hurting a lot. And now it hurts so much I can't speak or swallow. And on top of this its Jons birthday ? I'm laying in bed right now and crying a little for him. I miss him so much I don't know how to move on... I don't know...
Happy birthday love!!! I love you

I want my old life back! Right now I'm so lost... I don't know what to do. It's really horrible but I feel like I've nothing to live for... ? I know I've good horses and a boyfriend but it still something missing. My heart is hurting like hell. And everything I can think of is that I want my old life back, with my shity house with the rats in the draws eating out cloths. With all the work. But most important with my fiancé. And I want to marry him. Build a life and maybe a career but it's not important I only want him back!
Now I have everything I didn't have before. But I don't have the love and for me that means I have nothing to live for. I keep fighting. everyday is a battle, but I'm still standing I try to fill my days with horses and things. But in the end of the day I feel so sad and so lonely. And ofc I even miss him during the days.
I have recorded on my phone a conversation of us and sometimes I'd like to listen to that. And I miss him so badly. It's so horrible I didn't know it was still gonna feel like this. I just wanna be happy again real happy. And feel love real love. I don't wanna go my entire life without that feeling again.
But I'm getting older... And for every year it feels more and more hopeless. God I just want to go back. I can't move on... Forever without u ?

Hi everyone I'm sorry I haven't been written about how I'm doing. And the fact is I don't know... It's been more than 3 years now. But I don't think I quite get it yet.
Last night was rough I cried so hard, so so hard. Like I haven't done in years. I don't know why it just came. I've been really down recently for about the last 9 months. Sometimes I get happier but deep inside me I'm still so depressed.
I live in Spain now. In Barcelona! A dream come true. And it helps. When I'm there I don't think about it quite as much as I do when I'm in Sweden. And the weather helps. It helps me to go out everyday and to want to be out all days. Witch is good. The only place where in truly happy is in the stable. And the stable here is lush with a lot of nice people to destract your self with.
Life is different but my feelings are the same. And I miss him terribly terribly. I still cry a lot. Every time I go in a plane is torture for me. I just want to see him when I'm up in heaven. But he's not there, so where is he??? He must have gone to heaven? He was a good guy! Sometimes I imagine him next to me. Specially when I'm alone at night. But that just makes it worse. I have to be so busy all the time to not to think about it. I feel really sad when I see people getting married and having babies, I'm happy for them but I just thinking of what I missed. And when people ask me if I'm not getting married soon or having babies soon. I getting really upset. They just mean well and not everyone knows. But it's hard. It's so hard. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing left to fight for. I try to make the best out of my life but it's hard when that special person is not there with u.
Sorry for this guys. Hope u all having a good day. Bless u all!! Xx