And I wish I wasn't! As soon as I've been gone and come back home. I hate it!!! I hate to be home. It's boring emty and not fun. I just feel like disappearing for a wile. Maybe a life time (could be short) I don't know. I just now I don't enjoy to be here right now. :( when I'm away, something is happening. I like to be away doing things. Competing, training, traveling. I love all of it and I hate the daily life right now. It's cold dark and lonely.
I do know I sound spoiled and moody. That's not my attention... So I'm sorry if anyone gets afended. Hope u r all good. Love to u all! Xxx

First day done. Very nice guy, good looking ;) but I already knew that ;) a bit boring exercise today. But he gived really critic and was super calm in he's acting. Wich made the lessons run smoothly. We started trotting over 2 pols with 3 m inbetwin. Then we did the same in galopp. We trott jumped 2 crosses 3m inbetwin. Then we jumped a serie of fences with one straid inbetwin. Cross cross oxer. Then we jumped a small course diagonal oxer. Diagonal vertical to oxer 6 straids then strait vertical 4 straids oxer. Both my horses Caretto and Finlandia jumped amazing but was both very crazy. ;) hehe. Looking forward til tomorrow and hopefully a bit more jumping. I'm so happy with my new horse Finlandia. She jumps amazing and suits me so well. I'm so blessed to have so good and amazing horses. Small things makes the days easier. Love u lots. Xxx

We have now arrived at ccstud! Amazing place and we r really excited about this. I hope it will all go well. First for the day is Carro at 3pm xxx

Finally 6k today. I was so slow in the start but the last 15 min felt so good. So I added one extra km on to my daily run. Tomorrow morning we r leaving for two days in Stockholm with 4 horses to train and ride for Björn Nagel from Germany. So no running tomorrow at least. Feeling a bit better to day. Hade a good night sleep and quite fun when I was riding. And it's tru what they say about exercise! It does make u happier. And u feel so much better afterwards. I'm really looking forward til tomorrow. Lots of love. Xoxo

Pictures that was supposed to be in previous notes

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Today I have recived my order from Jack Wills UK. They have sooo many nice stuff there. It was Jon's favorite shop. He always brought clothes from there. He would have loved the new bedclothes I brought. And the pillows. And the rug. Yeah everything.
Over all I have hade a really bad day. Haven't cryed so much just been feeling shutted and hade a lot of pain in my left leg. So I skipped the running today. Try to recover abit instead.
Hade an old friend here to visit today. It was really nice and she sad some really nice thing about Jon it nearly made me cry. A picture say more then a thousen words. I really looking forward to se that painting. :) I miss my fiancé so much... And I'm so scared that I'll never find love again. And spec no one that loved me as much as he did. He's my angel and has always been. I'm just so unlucky that I can't se him anymore. But I hope he has a plan for me and that he will help me to a better life. He always just to say that when he was alive. That if some of us died it has to be him. Cuz I would be able to continue living and find a new husband. Someone better. And if I died he would never find anyone that could take my place. So he would end up alone.
And her I'm!!!! :'( sad and lonely. Crying in my bed blogging about it. Not my plan I tell u that.
Good night every one. Love u lots. Xxx

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I'm so tiered to day. Bad night sleep last night. And super busy today. Took a run 5k on the treadmill very tiered legs. Now I'm relaxing watching Grey's Anatomy and eating dinner (popcorn). Having a few bad days right now. I'm guessing I'm thinking to much. "/ sometimes I hear noices from the kitchen I don't know but it might be Jon. Sometimes I like to think so other times I just think I'm silly.
Carro and her husband came bye today. They hade some lovely cakes with them. But best if all some really nice clothes. :) thank you so much!!! Equeen.se <3
Take care guys. Lots of love. Xx

I kväll snurrar huvet. Ligger i sängen ensam. Och tänker på hur allt used to be. Jon bruka ligga här brevid mig. Och ALLTID kyssa/pussa mig go natt. Jag saknar honom så mycket. Så nu ligger jag är med gråten i halsen och lyssnar på begravningsmusiken. Inte det bästa att göra direkt. Men på nått vis så hjälper det.
Jag har haft träningar ikväll vilket alltid är roligt och gör att jag fokuserar på annat. Nästa helg åker jag till Vännäs för en 2 dagars kurs. Ska bli spännande.
Folk frågar mig ofta hur jag mår... Vilket alltid är en knivig fråga. Mår jag riktigt dåligt brukar jag ofta säga att jag mår sådär. Annars säger jag okej. Men det värsta jag vet är när folk ska försöka förklara för mig att en dag kommer jag komma över detta och må bättre ! Det är ju jätte lätt för dom att säga. Dom som redan levt sitt liv. Dom som redan hittat den rätta. Det är inte dom som ligger ensam om natten och gråter sig till sömns. Att i stället säga "vi tänker mycket/ofta på dig" DOM gillar jag och det är det enda nån kan säga som gör att jag mår lite bättre. (För stunden). Folk som tror dom vet vad jag går igenom har ingen aning. Om du som ung förlorat din bästa vän som du spenderat varje dag med. Nån du tänkt leva resten av ditt liv med. Nån som du kan offra allt i hela värden för och offra ditt eget liv för. Helt utan förvarning rycks bort från dig och du vet att du aldrig nånsin mer kommer se din älskade igen. Då förstår du. Om man kan dö av ett brustet hjärta är jag nog på go väg. Livet är sjukt jobbigt även om det kommer ljus glimtar här och där i mellan åt. Inget av allt det jag har är värd den smärta jag genom lider varje dag.
Don't ever wish u hade someone else's life. You never know what they are caring with them and what mountains they have to climb.
Make the best out of everything and make every day count. Lots of love xxx