Or??? This is the first time sense Jon died that I thought I had a bad day... The day he died I had a rubbish day so many bad things happened. And 1h before he died I went for a shower and wile I was walking upstairs I was thinking "what a bad day I've had"!! And felt a bit sad. And I had no ide what was just around the corner to happen! When it happened I was thinking. I'm never gonna say I've had a bad day again!! Cuz nothing breaks this... Nothing... And today again I thought I had a bad day. At least to start with. But it scared me that I was thinking for a wile I had a bad day...? How could I think that??? How could I forgett? If only for a wile , how could I forgett?
Now I'm home "alone" it's a storm outside and soooo dark! I'm really scared of the darkness... My alarm on the yard went off for a minute ago. I went to have a look and it said it was something wrong in the dining room... Nothing is wrong there but it keeps beeping about it. I'm walking around in the evening really scared that something is gonna happen. I know it's silly but I'm really scared.
Bad day or not. Until u lose the most important thing in your life it ain't a bad day! Maybe u don't know what is the most important thing until u lose it! I didn't !!!!!!
:(

Why is sex so sensitive? What is it with sex that makes people crazy? I love sex and I love the intensity between two people in sex. I love that u just lose everything els when u have sex. Nothing is more important right then when u have sex... Why is it like that? Why does sex mean so much? I don't have any answers for it, I just wondering.. It's hard to talk about it to other people. I miss it loads... I miss to have someone to kiss everyday. I miss someone to have romantic evenings with. And hot sex. I'm bored of having these guys who is cheating or just want u right now and nothing more. I want someone to love me and someone who lets me love him. Hot sex is nice, but making love is something special and I can only remember I've done that once in my life. Cuz just because u have sex with someone u love doesn't mean u making love in my opinion. Making love is when u get so deeply lost in each other that u losing track of time and space. And u can just go on forever with out even notice it. And u can feel a connection on a totally different level. It's hard to describe it. But like I said it has only happened once for me. And I remember it so clearly. And I miss that feeling. The feeling of to belong to someone, that will call u everyday just because they miss your voice or they wanna check that u r alright. Someone that will travel 1000 mile just to say hello. Someone that puts you in front of anything. Cuz that's exactly what I would do! That person that will treat me right and win my heart I would do anything for. I'm a nice person deep inside with so much love to give. But I'm so supriced how few people there is that wants it... I know how the world works. But everyone needs love no matter what they say. But right now I need it more than ever before.

What ever I do it goes wrong right now! I constantly get heart broken from every guy I see. No one seams to care enough about me. People tell me "do what feels right and best at the moment" and so I do. Living day by day. But that has just left me with a bigger and bigger whole in my heart. Cuz I get attached ! I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I do. I was thinking the other day about guys and that I can only remember one guy who has said "you are so beautiful" why is that? Why can't guys say what they think! Or maybe I'm not beautiful?? But one thing they can all say.. "I don't want anything serious!" Why??? I don't get it??? I need a shoulder to rest on right now. I'm bored of this. The best night I've had for nearly two years now was the other day/week, when I was just relaxing with a guy. No sex. Just kisses and cuddles and movie! That was the best night! And I felt good and not just used. I'm so amazed how the world works, and how little people love each other. Or maybe what the do to the people the love! It makes me scared! Someone told me a few weeks ago.. "U can't trust anyone in this world" and this world means our horse world/business! It's unik in many ways.. People tells me "u living the dream" and yes I do, but every dream has it's price. And u don't know how much it's gonna cost u until u are there! I don't wanna change the life I have. Cuz it is a dream come true. But if someone had told me befor what this meant and what I had to sacrifice I wouldn't have done it. I had this chance for many years ago to. But I didn't take it, I chose Jon! And I would still do every day! Cuz without the support this gets pretty hard and very lonely... U will see pictures from the beach in Spain from prices on big shows but remember, in the end of the day, I'm all alone!

A cuddle can be your home when u are sad.. Yes , but what about those who hasn't got one to cuddle. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. And even more less to anyone. I really want to belong to someone. Someone I can call and say " hi I feel bad today but I'm so happy I've got u. I love u. " without that I have to hear that I'm needy and demanding. People say. Hi call me if u want to speak. But we all know that that's not true. No one wants to listen to someone who is heartbroken. I do my best .. But it's so hard on my own. I just need someone too love! Xxx H

I'm warning you to continue reading if u don't want to know!
I'm going crazy over guys right now! I'm finding someone everywhere! But we start from the top of this year!! When I was in Spain this year I found a really nice guy who I started seing (sleeping with). He was the first guy that I've met that I could see myself with for a relationship. We spended 5 weeks together but all the time he said I don't want a relationship! Ok... Why not? I went back home we were still texting but nothing more. I went on a show to Austria and the last night I found another guy! This guy was amazing and I think I started to fall in love with him. It seams like he's interested but then one day he just stops texting of phoning me and I can't get hold of him. Now I've found a new guy again who seams perfect. He has been through the same thing as I have or nearly. And he's the first one that actually understands me. I only got a few h with this guy but we really connected. But once again he made very clear he doesn't want a relationship! I have during this 18 months seen 8 guys who I would bee interested in as a boyfriend. But non if these guys wants a relationship...? Why?!? What's wrong with guys? I've tried horse guys, normal guys, older guys and younger guys. Nothing!!! I go crazy soon. I don't trust anyone anymore. I want to love someone but I can't ! What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone wants me? This is what I'm thinking of everyday now.. I know u can't have it all. But I just want to love someone.
Sorry everyone who is reading this I just need to wright it out. Cuz I feel terrible some days. And I feel like I'm worth nothing at all...
Xoxo / H

I don't dream about Jon. It's very rare. I don't think I've done it for the whole year. But last night I did! And I'm scared of dreaming of him cuz it makes everything so hard when I wake up. I know he's dead but it still much harder if I dream he's alive. Anyway, my dream was really short. I was sitting in my lounge speaking to my sister who also was there. And I can't see the front door from the couch. And I hear it's someone by the door. And someone walks in and I freezes cuz it sounds exactly like Jon. The dog went mental stared running over there and crying. And then he say "Hi Darling I'm home" like he always did. I just froze totally had a heart beat on 300. Then he walks into the room and I see it's him. I tried to stand up but instead I fainted!! Cuz I got so shocked to see him. Then I waked up... It felt so real. It's un real. I want him back so badly. I thought this was gonna be easy. I was just gonna keep on living like normal. But it's not. I can't get over it I can't move on. The horses and the show helps so much. With out that I don't think I would be alive. I'm so happy I got them. But I'm so sad for what I've lost... I do have a night mare day and night! Xoxo H

It's something with Sweden ... As soon as I come back I'm constantly thinking of Jon. I don't know why. I miss him so much. I don't know but I'm feeling so alone these days! And I'm doing nearly anything to get some attention and "love" cuz what I get it's not real. No one is serious with me. I've dated a few guys now this last year. But I don't know. No one seams to want me... I guess I need to raise my standards a bit but I can't. I'm so broken I just wanna feel some love again. If only just for a wile. But I don't trust anyone. Everyone I've met lets me down. So I just gets deeper and deeper down this greave I'm in... I need someone who can bring me back up to the cerfice. I love Jon of all my heart but I need to move on and I can't. It's so hard! I'm so greatfull the shows goes so well for me. I just wish I could win a big final at some point. I got a new sponsor when we went to Poland and I'm so greatfull for that. That helped me a lot to keep fighting and that I might get noticed at some point. I fight everyday to keep my head up. In/with everything I do. I have so nice people around me who helps me through everyday. God bless u guys! But in the end of the day I'm still alone in my bed and thinking of everything I just to have and what I have today. And don't give me wrong now but I love the life I have. But I want someone to share it with. I don't think I've celebrated one victory during this last year... I also know that there is so many people who got it way worse then what I do. And like I've just said I'm so greatfull for my life and I do, do the best out of it. But I still miss my Jon terrible who always was on/by my side. I'm selfish I know! Xoxo / H

I have been thinking... About love. The thing that life is all about. Everyone want love. They want be loved and they want to give love to someone. And the feeling when u really like someone but you don't know if they have the same feelings for u is horrible. Your heart get ripped out your body so many times. And to fall in love and to find love is like buying or selling a horse!!! "Lots of" people coming to try your horse... Some say naaa it's not quite what I'm looking for, other say "it's to expensive" other say I like it but... And so on and so on... Well it's the same with your heart. Every person has there luggage everyone has a past. You ending up going on loads of dates with different people. And u might like them more than they like you. Some people might think you are cute, or sexy or beautiful. But... They can't handle your past or they just don't like it or want to. U have taken your heart out your chest and ask "does anyone want it?" Some people take it for a wile like on a trial but then decide to give it back (return the horse). Some people coming to try it. But then decides that the price is to high. They don't wanna risk it. They don't dare to take a chance. So they give u falls hope that they are gonna buy it. But then they leave u disappointed and sad. But then one they. The perfect buyer comes along! They try it loves it and buys it. All in!! Until one day.. They call u and say "this ain't working!" "I wanna return it!" So u ending up in court. Fighting for what u have and trying to save your family! But most of the times you lose. And you get the horse back.. (Divorce) and u have to start all over again... Trying to sell your heart/horse!!