One and a half year has gone! And it has never hit me until now that I'll get scars!! When u fall and hurt yourself u get a scar! But when u see the love if your life die you don't? Or? Well the last two weeks I experienced that u do!! But I never thought of it before. I never thought that it would make me more scared or that I would react different in some situations. People die everyday all the time! This weekend two people died in cross country! But until it hits u, u have no idea how it's gonna fels like. Every night when I go to bed the last thing I see is when Jon collapses and dies he's last breath and when the life in he's eyes disappear! That's the picture I have in my eyes just before I go to sleep every night. And the first thing I think of in the morning is that the image from last night is the truth and the reality! Most people go to bed and think of there day and what they r gonna do tomorrow. I don't!! I know this is life and people always tells me to move on and forgett. But what no one thinks of is that what I've seen leaves scars. It leaves marks I'll never forgett, I'll never get over. Everyday I try my best, try to do the best out of everything. Out of what I have. And the life I still got! U can never take scars away from your soul or your eyes! But I hope they will hurt less and less over the years. Today I travel a lot all over Europe and that helps me to move on. I met new people and making new friends and experiences. And I'm a totally different person when I'm gone then when I'm home. When I'm home, I'm un motivated to do things. I'm constantly sick. Lack of energy. And permantly tiered! When I'm abroad I'm much happier I think life is fun and I do love the sun. The sun makes me happy and gives me more energy and happiness to life. My point is that u can't just forgett u can't just move on like nothing ever happened. Sometimes u need to change things in your life to be able to move on and continue to be happy and found happiness in your life again. I do when I'm not home. And that's why I've taken the dissisiun to move. Life is to short. U might die tomorrow. So do what ever makes u happy no matter what people think. I need this for my recovery and I hope people understands that befor they tells me what to do or not to do. My scars will always be there they will never heal! U might think I'm silly when I panic for nothing. But I've seen things that not many other people have. And I'm not a trained soldier. I'm/was a simple housewife that experienced my husbands dead right in front off my eyes!

I hate life. I hate to live. Nothing feels good right now and life I so unfair. I have everything I ever dreamed of?!? Or? Is it worth the cost? No it's not!!! Never ever wish for anything. Cuz u just might get it!!!! But no one tells u the price. I have come a loooong way sense last year. But every time I return home I take so many steps back again. And this trip home was the worst one I have ever done. I constantly cried the whole way home. And when I got here I counting the days until I leave again. I don't want to feel this way but I do. It's been over a year but I still feel the same. Every night I go to bed and cry myself to sleep. I need a new life a new start and I'm prepared to do anything for it to happened. Everyone who reads this is gonna think I have lost my mind but I have actually find my mind and I think I need to start thinking of myself for a change and not what makes everyone els happy.
With love everyone.
Xoxo H

We r later tonight starting our trip back home. First stop is in Lyon tomorrow noon.
I'm so sad to leave. I'm gonna miss my friendes down here so much.
Well the last few days has been fab and so good. I won 3 125 classes this weekend on Finlandia and Refrang. And Caretto was 4th in the 140 on Friday and 5 in the 140 GP on Sunday. Lovely horses who just jumps better and better. But we are all very tiered right now. And I'm not looking forward to a 4 days trip back home.
The weather is perfect today. So hot and nice. Witsh makes it harder to leave when I hear it's snowing in Sweden !!!! Wtf????!!!! I can't wait to come back. I love it down here. When I'm here I'm happy!!!
Se u all on Friday. Xoxo H

It's soon all over now! And it makes me so sad... I have a big lump in my beli I don't want to go back... I know everything good comes to an end but it breaks my heart. The horses are really tiered tho. So ofc I need to go home. But I just wish I had another place to call home... I love my yard and my family and with out that I wouldn't make it. But it's so far away... I've had a great time here and met some amazing people, and I'm so scared of loosing them. Cuz that's just what my life seams to be about loosing the people I really like and love. I'm also gonna admit that I've found love down here.. But I'm afraid it will end now when this is over. I don't know if I'm in love but I do really like this guy. He is the first person I've really felt anything fore after Jon. He is far from Jon, but I've realized that everything Jon had/were , I'm now. If that makes any sens I don't know? But to spend all thouse years with him changed me into a much better person and I'm so sad I wasn't that person when I was with him. He deserved that! But I'm changed now. And with that I think I can handle a different typ of guy.
I don't know what gonna happened but I do have really strong feelings for him. But I also know he doesn't feel the same way as I. Witsh breaks my heart a bit. And I try to keep my feelings for my self and not to fall in love. Cuz I don't want to lose my heart again. But one part of me just want to try it out and to fall in love again. I don't know what to do. Everything is so painful. My love to Jon will always be the same. Even that it seams like a life time ago sens I saw him...
The problem is that I think it's gonna be hard for me to take the next step as long as I live back home. I need something new. A new chapter in my life. And I do know that my future is not in Sweden. But for now I haven't got much options and I just have to deal with it. But something must happen soon otherwise I'm gonna lose it.. I'm afraid...
Only 4 more days to go then I've 4 nights of driving. The trip is planed we leave on Monday midday and drive for 16h to Lyon where we do our first stop on Tuesday morning. Then we have a 12h drive up to Essen for the next stop and then 9h maybe up to Malmo and then the last 12 up to soderhamn. It's a long fucking way to go...
Well E Lucky has been the big star through this tour she has developed so much and been taking tons of prices. I have big hopes for her for this season.
Refrang is back on track but is still for sale.
Finlandia was more difficult than I expected her to be on bigger fenses but I think I've founded a system how to work her out. Caretto is exactly the same as this time last year 140 feels sometimes hard and sometimes easy. Just as she felt last year at 130 level. So a few months and then she should be good on this level to.
Nilla has been un lucky on this trip. She got sick when she got down here and it took her a few weeks to recover. Unfortunately she lost so much weight and muscles it will take her a long time to be fully back to normal again. But she has done a few good rounds in 130. Last week she was clear on fences but got scared of something at the side and took a few step backwards so that gived her 4 faults.
The party's her are amazing. Spanish people is crazy but I love it. At Sunday night we didn't go to sleep until 7 am. And at some another times we got back from the club at 5am.
But I feel a little bit like you only live once.
Now I'm sitting outside in the grass and enjoying the sun. Cuz soon I'm gonna be far far away from it. I DONT WANT TO!!!
Xoxo H

I'm dreaming a lot at the moment. It's so wiered. It feels like Jon has never excited sometimes... Like everything was just a dream and reality is now. The whole of last year I felt the opposite. Like I was living in a dream and just waiting for to waik up. I have had several dreams there he's alive and we aren't together as a couple. I had one dream and it felt so real. Something serous had happened so we had separated but we were not speaking any more... And in my dream I could not remember why we didn't speak when we loved etch other! It made no sense!! Cuz nothing in the world would be able to take us apart... But in the end it was just a dream..
This trip down here has been very good for me this year. I had some really low moments but also really high once! And now it does feel like I've come a long way... But I'm very nerves to return to Sweden again... I'm happy here..
But like we all know by know... Everything good have to come to an end!
Xoxo H

It is a perfect day today. The sun is out the weather is so nice and warm. Lillan won her second class this week and the final for the 5 yro horses today!! Caretto has just done her first double clear in 140 and we will se what place she ends up on. 2 horses down to the beach and gallop in the water. Absolutely perfect!!! Nilla got a day of cuz she is a bit upset at the moment so she had a hack down the beach to today. Finlandia gived me a fly to day but I landed softly in the sand and thank god not in the water. Hope the rest of the week will continue like this. I'm so happy!!!!!
Xoxo H

One week here in Oliva now and it feels like forever. It feels like I never left from here. I love it here it's amazing. We have been riding on the beach a lot to day me and Hanna tok one horse each and went down for a walk it was lovely. Then me and Phillip when't down and we manage to get Nilla into the water!!! It's so cool that u can ride on the beach here. So different to home. I love it. Yesterday we did some pay n jump and they did really well. But they were all a bit tent. Finlandia jumped the best it's gonna be so fun to compete her and se what we can do.
I had a bad night a few nights ago. I wook up crying in the middle of the night. I had a bad dream about Jon and how he died. It was horrible. Someone said that it's not weird that I had that dream. Cuz this place brings back memories from last year and how was feeling then. I never thought about that!!! But still I do really like this place. Had a nice chat tonight with a friend as well. That always helps a bit.
I need to get some rest now my friends. I tell more in a few days again. Lots of love. Xxx H

Now we've been here for 2 days and everything starts fit in to place. The lorry has been washed. The horses starts to get back to normal a few of them does not want to drink the water down here it taste a bit different to home. The sun has been with us sens we arrived and they say it just gonna get warmer and better. All the horses has been ridden to day except from Carro she needs one more day of just hand walking.
Refrang was first out this morning. Just trimming abit jogging more or less just get them out to streatch there legs a bit. She was really energetic and just wanted to leg it ?
Finlandia was second she liked to buck to day and seamsed really relaxed. Lillan thierd out she was quite strong and pulling a lot but a few changes and then she got a bit tiered and worked really well in the end. Nilla was last out and she was really excited to go out she was bucking and running with more feats in the air then on the ground. Bless her! She has lost a lot of weight during the trip so we taking it a bit easy with her for a few days to se how she recovers.
But over all the wether is lovely and hot with loads of sun. ?? And I'm really happy to be here. Wouldn't mind to live here permant. I love Spain and the sun and I'm just so glad to be here again. Everybody remembered me from last year and had follow my trip down from home. ?? They are all really helpful. And I think I made a good impression on them when I parked the trailer yesterday ?? ? hihi. I love driving lorries. And reversing is so much fun hihi. Well that's all for today m8s.
Love u all xxx
H

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