I want my old life back! Right now I'm so lost... I don't know what to do. It's really horrible but I feel like I've nothing to live for... ? I know I've good horses and a boyfriend but it still something missing. My heart is hurting like hell. And everything I can think of is that I want my old life back, with my shity house with the rats in the draws eating out cloths. With all the work. But most important with my fiancé. And I want to marry him. Build a life and maybe a career but it's not important I only want him back!
Now I have everything I didn't have before. But I don't have the love and for me that means I have nothing to live for. I keep fighting. everyday is a battle, but I'm still standing I try to fill my days with horses and things. But in the end of the day I feel so sad and so lonely. And ofc I even miss him during the days.
I have recorded on my phone a conversation of us and sometimes I'd like to listen to that. And I miss him so badly. It's so horrible I didn't know it was still gonna feel like this. I just wanna be happy again real happy. And feel love real love. I don't wanna go my entire life without that feeling again.
But I'm getting older... And for every year it feels more and more hopeless. God I just want to go back. I can't move on... Forever without u ?

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Today I was talking about u. It had me remembering things about u. Things how u always came with a smile everyday how u laught and was so so silly all the time. How u made me so happy and when I was sad u always knew what to say to make me happy. U m...

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